My Altar
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AA and their contact with a higher power.
Early
on I lost faith in the community, especially the Christian one. But
really I wasn't looking for anything else either, but just found life
as something that happens. I have no real power over it. Explains why
I live the life I live. Although I worked energetically to change it.
I got the strongest disgust from the way my mother was treated when
"Grandma" passed away. Mother was a foster child in a church
minister's home, with a large, stately farm, the village of Segersta,
father was a farmhand there. Grandfather became a single parent with
seven children, of which mother was the youngest when my real grandmother
passed away in childbed. Then mother was 1½ years old.
That mother chose to marry father, only "grandmother" accepted.
I was around ten years old when she was excluded from family and congregation,
it was a mockery of mother. The fact that we no longer lived in Hälsingland
did not change the matter, because mother tried to keep in touch with
"grandmother". In that vein, my older sister Ingrid married
Birger in Västerbäck, Västerbotten, where we lived at
the time. The job at the Harselsforsen power plant had led father and
family there. There was a big farmer's wedding in the village and everyone
was invited, the alcohol flowed (among other things home-brewed, I remember).
I had to be around pretty much the whole time, well into the night.
Was driven to bed when a fight broke out. Slept and woke up. Close to
my schoolmates in the village, so I cycle there at 10 o'clock. Wondering
if we should go out and play in their playhouse where we used to be.
There we dealt with ax throwing and wars between Indians and whites.
Once the ax happened to be above the door and when Sven-Åke was
about to enter, it fell on his head, rushing to the infirmary.
But when I talk about play, father comes storming into the house and
says that there will be no play this Sunday. He has sinned and been
beaten at his sister's wedding and everyone in the family must gather
in the prayer house and ask for God's forgiveness. These memories have
influenced my view of the church/congregation. It didn't help that my
elementary school teacher who was the church warden in the chapel in
Älvdalsåsen and was the world's most wonderful person, my
confirmation teacher in 1959 also, gave a different view. The interest
in people and their view of life in different contexts has always been
great. I have sometimes been surprised that people I have come to know
as absolutely wonderful people have hidden their religious affiliation.
While those who proclaimed it bothered me incredibly much, the same
thing with the politicians, above all those within SAP and the right.
The photography school made me later gain the same view of the left
as a whole.
After all, the psyche was my worst side and from one conversation to
another, led me from one to the other psychiatrist/curator. Ended up
after the suicide attempt that led to the discovery of my B12 deficiency
at Gunnar Nilsson. After the introduction of B12, yes, I have the feeling
that a little earlier, I had perceived that I was drinking too much
and realized that it was in secret, to hide my condition. Mentioned
it to Gunnar one day. He then asks if I had been in contact with AA.
No, was the answer. Maybe should make that contact. Yes, drive by the
Ria cottage, when you go home. Said and done. Stops and goes to the
entrance and looks, sees that there is a meeting at 07.00 PM, turns
and on the way from there I meet a woman, Says hello, but no more. Coming
up to the car and she calls out, "were you thinking of going to
a meeting?" "Yes, but it's only tonight." "We have
our absolute first dinner meeting in 20 minutes, come on in!" I
do that and am greeted by a lot of stickers on the walls, which are
about God. Based on previous events in life, I have got the feeling
that what happens in certain moments happens unexpectedly. So there
is a meaning and that you should overlook what frustrates you. After
a few meetings, I learn the view of AA's higher power and learn to live
with the thought.
Then comes to Rockesholm's
treatment home for a period of very bad feeling. One afternoon I bring
it up with my therapist, I'm climbing the walls here. He says, "go
in and sit in the chapel, there you can be alone in peace and quiet".
The chapel is not a room for me, and when I come in and settle down,
everything has the opposite effect. I basically rush out of the room.
The next day we take our usual walk of about 3 km. Then we come to a
clearing and there is a nice path. The friend says, "it will be
a bit longer if we walk here". "Yes, then we will". About
300 meters after it, I get a stump to my left, on which there is a bird's
nest and below eggshells from fledglings. The connection I get to my
High Power becomes so deep that I carry it with me through life. I have
got my altar in the forest and photographer that I am with nature as
the most common object, I know that it is almost in every forest, in
all my parishes. In the evening after dinner I dare to enter the chapel,
the peace I feel today cannot be described in words.
This was my story of how I connected with my higher power.
You can certainly dismiss it as nonsense, but I will feel it as long
as I live, I think. Oh, think!
I couldn't believe it when I saw Elis (father-in-law) come to pick Annie
up at Orsagården, nor when she left us, saw her get up and see
Elis on the wall above the window. Wearing a dark suit and red tie.
He must have been to our house and picked up that tie. Because he had
none, but I did! They walk away together!
Dad's willingness to tease has also shown. A visit to Mora to buy sewing
thread for Maj-Britt. Once home at Brömsen, she places the spool
of thread on the kitchen table. She will have a sewing machine there
later. Food on the table, set the table, watch the news. Once back in
the kitchen, she finds that the spool of thread is not on the table.
With four cats in the apartment, the first thought is that someone has
started playing with it and it is under some furniture. Looking, but
can't find anything. It's been three days! On the morning of the fourth
day, having entered the kitchen, Maj-Britt exclaims "the spool
of thread is here on the table"!
I have a higher power
that has my trust!
| We like animals and the birds are probably the ones you welcome the most. we put seed dispensers and tallow in the form of pork rinds there as needed. At Brömsen we had a balcony that was well visited. Not just from birds. A neighbor threw his cat out at 10 p.m. We didn't like that, if you have adopted a cat, it should have the same feeling of home as children and adults. I made a door opening in a sewing machine box and put a styrolite board in it. So in December 2005 another cat comes and starts climbing the posts where the pork rind was hanging. Pretty soon she took over the hostel and stayed there day and night. I set up a video camera so we could see her from inside. Was very shy. But we realized that she needed food. Was forced to it, we felt. Now we thought we shouldn't let her in. We already had three cats in a 56 square meter apartment. How would it go? |
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We
like animals and the birds are probably the ones you welcome the
most. we put seed dispensers and tallow in the form of pork rinds
there as needed. At Brömsen we had a balcony that was well
visited. Not just from birds. A neighbor threw his cat out at
10 p.m. We didn't like that, if you have adopted a cat, it should
have the same feeling of home as children and adults. I made a
door opening in a sewing machine box and put a styrolite board
in it. So in December 2005 another cat comes and starts climbing
the posts where the pork rind was hanging. Pretty soon she took
over the shelter and stayed there day and night. I set up a video
camera so we could see her from inside. Was very shy. But we realized
that she needed food. Was forced to it, we felt. Now we thought
we shouldn't let her in. We already had three cats in a 56 square
meter apartment. How would it go? |
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We advertised
and put up leaflets with photos and did everything for the owners
to get hold of her. But no result. Non was not ID marked either.
With as much contact with animals as we've had and seen that
some problems can be solved with a sierra or someone who can
talk to animals even remotely. We made contact in the hope of
finding out where Mimmi came from.
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